Finding Strength

There she was, smiling gleefully at me when she tried on her new white dress. Parading around, as if to get my approval for her already good sense of fashion. She was luminous in her element, like how I first met her. I smiled and woke up from this beautiful dream on my last morning in Australia. She was no more there for the past few months in my life. We are no longer an “Us”.

Nowadays, people still ask me how is she doing. All I hope is she is doing well, because I am doing fine today.

Being in a long-standing relationship was a blessing in my life for the past 8 years. It took another person to complete me. Love is an organic event. It’s never permanent, and it always growing. And like all dynamic growth, you can’t stunt it, as it will find another way to grow. Sometimes, on another path which strayed from the original architecture. And that’s what happened to us.

We grew apart.

On the night, she made the decision to part ways, I knew, it was time to let go. It’s perhaps the most morbid act of love, but it’s love non-the less. I couldn’t bear not seeing her glow anymore. Our ambitions made it difficult to be our very best and thrive together. It’s like a ticking time bomb before the separation exploded.

Just when I thought I am ready to move on via this lone adventure Down Under, I bought a random book at the airport, not knowing how relate-able it can be. It’s almost a fate-like encounter, reading “Option B” from Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant. It forced me to move on entirely, willingly and healthily when Option A is no longer a viable option.

When the storm came and wreck hell a few months ago, I thought it’s entirely my fault that I am not supportive enough in her pursuit of happiness. I even thought that this damage is permanent and it will affect my ability to have faith and love again. Little that I know, every morning I felt different about my sadness and anger of the previous night. This is what my mentor has been preaching to me all these while. Impermanence.

Throughout the past 10 days, all I ever did was smile. I focused my energy to the good memories, and boy, I have to admit that the past 8 years was magical. My taste for classical music, art galleries, food and the finer things in life was an influence from my previous relationship.

To my aid recovery, I found a voice of reason from a cousin of mine. It is a blessing to find a “mirror”, who is able to speak to you, and truly mean it when he said, “I understand what you’re going through.”. My closest friends have been very supporting throughout this period too.

Looks like I’ve discovered that I have the ability to let go in the name of love. Will I move on? Absolutely. I’m positive that I have given up hope that things will be back like last time. Even if you have the chance to end up with the same someone you loved before, the future will be different. And that is just one, of many possibilities.

It takes strength to smile because it happened. Find that strength.